“My little one, courage, do not be afraid”.
21st November 1952
Feast of the presentation of the blessed Virgin Mary to the temple
I was in adoration before the Blessed Sacrament. A great suffering was tormenting me: I was unable to remove from my mind the image of that youth, who said he was the angel of the Lord. It was two or three o'clock in the afternoon and all the sisters had withdrawn to their cells, either to rest or to study. I felt a sense of sadness and was unable to pray. Only in my heart I said:
“Mother, Mother, where are you? Have pity on this little child of yours so alone, alone and abandoned by everyone”.
I wanted to cry for fear of having been deluded and having deceived everyone. I was afraid it was for this reason that Jesus and Mary had abandoned me.
I was on my knees, with my eyes down. After a short time I heard myself being called:
“Little one, my little one!”
I realized it was Mother's voice. My hearth jumped out of joy. Raising my eyes I saw Her in front of me on the steps of the altar, surrounded completely by light, dressed in the same way as the other two times; but she had, in addition, a crown of twelve stars around her head, that emitted an indescribable light. She came down the steps of the altar and approached the bench where I was kneeling; she put her right hand on my head and said with great sweetness and tenderness:
“My little one, cheer up, don't be afraid!”
With a lump in my throat I replied:
“ Mother, I have betrayed you! I had told you that no one would have believed me: I have ruined your work, forgive me, have pity on me. You know everything. Have you forgiven me, Mother ?”
She caressed me saying:
“My little one, fear not, I speak to comfort you. Listen to me: You must know that this suffering of yours has given to God and to my Immaculate Heart greater glory and saved more souls than if you had succeeded in doing what I had asked. Be at peace, it is not your fault, it is Satan's rage who has used the creatures to hinder my work. But I assure you that my Heart will triumph. Keep secret everything concerning the medal. You will suffer more, but the time will come when the Lord will arouse the one who will be the instrument to bring about what I had asked according to the promise that I made you for the good of many souls. Do you believe me, my little one? ”
“Yes, Mother. You can do everything. But, you see, if you had chosen a more appropriate instrument everyone would have believed and it would have been brought about…
Our Heavenly Mother retorted:
”Do not say this. I chose just you, who are nothing, so that everybody could understand that what takes place is only my work. Actually, I can tell you that if I could have found a person more little and poor than you, I would have preferred her because the glory would be entirely of God and of my Heart, and only humiliation and contempt for her.
“Thank you, Mother, but please tell me, where were you when I was suffering so much, I called you, but you did not answer?”
“Oh, my little one, who gave you the strength to bear everything in silence? It was Jesus and myself. I have always held you in my Heart where Jesus is and I shall always be with you. Courage, fear not, I am your Mother. You are too little, on your own you are unable to do anything. Leave everything up to me and to Jesus. Your mission is prayer and sacrifice.
Do not be afraid, love suffering and Jesus will give you all souls. Do not get tired, persevere in this way. I am with you, I greet you and I bless you”.
She put her hand on my head with a smile, rose from the earth and disappeared in the light leaving a trail behind her.
You can imagine, dear Father, what happened in my heart: a longing to hide myself, to suffer, to live only for the love of Jesus and Mother and make them loved by all my brethren.
I renewed. with more confidence, my act of abandon to Jesus in the Heart of Mother, declaring myself ready to suffer everything they would have permitted, unsure always of myself but trusting in their help.
I passed all the Christmas holidays in great peace and intimacy with my dear Mother, who let me feel the sweetness of the caresses of her divine infant Jesus.
20th January 1953
My confessor kept on insisting that I should speak. It was a torment for me every time. Moreover I also feared that I would have disobeyed. What could I do? The Superior had ordered me not to speak. My Heavenly Mother had told me to keep everything secret until the Lord would have sent me the right instrument.
On 20th January 1953 when I was about to go to bed I heard a faint sound like someone breathing. Frightened, I didn't dare raise my eyes nor even to undress and go to bed.
I was praying with all my heart calling Jesus and Mother for help. Then I decided to look up and saw in front of me.the youth who had spoken to me in November. Tremblingly, I lowered my eyes. He then began to speak saying:
“Do not be afraid, I am the angel of the Lord. I am very upset by your suffering. Listen to me, I am speaking for your own good. Why are you resisting the priest in this way, do you not know that you are disobeying? You should be more docile and speak with simplicity. Have you not taken a vow of obedience? I come in the name of God. Speak and all will be over!”.
I was unable to open my mouth, I seemed to have become dumb with fright.
“I will tell you what you need to say .Apologize for having lied. Say that nothing is true of what you claimed to have seen and heard from “that one”, that it was your illusion. Confess the truth, now whilst you still have time; otherwise…Don't you reply anything? Think of it carefully, I shall come again.”
You can imagine, my father, how I was disappointed.
But I had a doubt: when my dear Mother spoke to me, within me I experienced peace and joy and I was happy in an indescribable way.
Instead the angel of the Lord frightened me, left me in an agony: confusion, doubts, uncertainties. I could not explain it. In any case I did not feel up to speaking of it to the confessor: indeed, besides a certain repugnance, I had the prohibition of the Superior and of the Mother.
While I was fighting within me, I remembered that a saint, whose name I had forgotten, had said: “ If the voice of the Lord ordered me a thing against the Superior's will, I would obey the Superior because in this way I would be sure not to be mistaken, whilst the voice of the Lord might be an illusion”.
What a battle within me! Could Mother and Jesus have deceived me?
I went on with this torment. Then one day I found that it had been written, I cannot remember where, that the devil sometimes appears as an angel of light to deceive the souls. I remained impressed, but did not know what to do.
I prayed and prayed insistently that the Holy Spirit and the beloved Heavenly Mother would help me.
One day, while I was in prayer, the thought came to me to ask, as a special concession, to see a certain father Michelangelo for the confession.
However, at the same time, I thought that our Heavenly Mother had told me to keep the secret on everything that had taken place until the Lord would send me the right instrument to do what she wanted.
I was wavering , thinking what I would have replied if the priest, whom I wanted to call, would have asked: “What was it that you lied about?”
My refuge has always been prayer.