June 1952
Meanwhile my life was
involved in a terrible turmoil. Temptations were my food night and day. Only
God knows: just to the point of desperation. The devil took advantage of it to
torment me in every way (…).
Indeed it seemed to me that
for me there was nothing but the hell (…).
Forgive me, Father, for
having reported all this, but I did so out of obedience to you. I assure you
that I would have preferred to die and carry the whole into the depths of the
grave.
Imagine the state of my soul!
At certain moments the temptation was so strong that I felt I was damned: if
so, what was the point of living? Alone, alone, without a word from anyone.
My poor heart cried out: ”Jesus
and Mary where are you? Come to my aid ”, but I received no reply.
I clung to my faith, crying
out with my heart: “Jesus, I trust and hope in you only, because I believe
in your love for me. I know you love me, I don't doubt it. If you want, send me
to the hell I deserve, I know, because of my sins. But I also know that your
mercy is greater than all the sins of the world. But, if absurdly, you send me
down there into the depths of hell, mind that you will remain in Paradise
without your Mother because I live in her Immaculate Heart and I cannot be
separated from her! She also would come with me”.
This last cry hurt His
Divine Heart and with tenderness He said to me:
“My little one, whoever is
with my Mother is with me. Take courage, don't fear , because it is just those
who love me that I put to the trial”.
This had been like a ray of
light for my poor heart, but it was only momentary.
A much greater trial
awaited me.
November 1952
One day, alone in my cell,
I was about to go to bed when, without understanding how, I saw in front of me
a young man, about fifteen years old.
I got frightened and tried
to run away, but he placed himself at the door saying:
”Why so much fear? I am
the angel of the Lord. I have seen your suffering and I come to comfort you.
You upset me very much! Why so much suffering? Ask the Lord to free you from
it!”
I replied:
“If the Lord permits
this, I do not reject suffering, because I want to do His will”.
He replied:
“Be at peace, I shall
speak on your behalf. I shall come again ”.
Saying this, he disappeared
in a flash without me understanding in what direction.